BOSTON, MA — In what researchers are calling the greatest medical breakthrough in human history, scientists announced Tuesday that they have successfully developed a cure for cancer, immediately shifting their attention toward figuring out how to charge patients for it every month.
"We've finally done it. Cancer is no longer a death sentence," said lead researcher Dr. Michael Reynolds, who was reportedly interrupted by pharmaceutical executives asking whether the treatment could be made to stop working if a patient's credit card expired.
According to company officials, the cure will initially be offered through three subscription tiers: Basic Survival, Enhanced Recovery, and Premium Wellness. The $99 monthly Basic plan will prevent cancer from spreading, while the $299 Premium plan will eliminate it entirely and provide access to 24/7 customer support. Patients who cancel their subscriptions will have 30 days to reconsider before their tumors resume growing.
"We understand that some people believe a cure for cancer should be available to everyone," explained pharmaceutical executive Daniel Whitmore. "But if we cure everyone permanently, what exactly are we supposed to sell them next year?"
Researchers reportedly expressed frustration after learning that the original treatment required only a single injection, forcing the company's engineering department to spend an additional six months developing a version that patients would need indefinitely.
The company has also announced plans to introduce advertisements during treatment, allowing patients to watch a short promotional video in exchange for an additional 48 hours of remission.
At press time, executives confirmed that the cure was ready for public release but would remain unavailable until the marketing department finished deciding whether to call it Cancer+ or iSurvive.